Don’t touch the banana
I use this analogy with my coaching clients using the example of a banana with a 5-year-old.
Option 1: Peel the banana – If you peel the banana for the child, you might be acting out of kindness, but the child learns they are less capable than adults.
Option 2: Leave the child alone to struggle – If you leave them to struggle, they might rise to the challenge or feel alone in their struggle.
Option 3: Coach the child but don’t touch the banana – The parent makes it clear they are there to support but won’t touch the banana. The child must figure it out. The child learns they are supported and capable. Win-win.
This model applies to many parenting scenarios. The parent is the coach on the sidelines, but the child takes to the pitch.
Problem solving
Inviting your child into problem solving helps grow their brain and adaptability. It gives children the core beliefs “I am capable” and “I can do hard things.” You can weave problem solving into daily interactions by doing less for them but being there to assist.
Take a 6-year-old asking for their cup to be refilled. The fastest way is to do it for them. But what if we invite them to try? If they can’t reach the tap, rather than jumping in, ask with curiosity, “I wonder what you could do?” and see what happens.
Imagine a scenario where you have encouraged problem solving throughout a child’s life. The child, now a teenager, gets themselves into a higher stakes problem but, armed with the solid belief that they can trust themselves and the skills to think critically they will be much more likely to make a
wise choice.
Empathy
Empathy helps to build resilience by supporting children through life’s challenges. Empathy communicates to a child. “I see you are finding this hard but you are not alone”. Let’s take the example of a child who is nervous about going to a new club.
We could be harsh and force them to go with bribes and threats but in doing so we would likely create a lot of alarm in their nervous system. Empathy helps us hold the boundary in a much more supportive and empowering way “We are going to try this new club but I see your nervous. Tell me more about that/ let’s make a plan for how you can feel safe going to this new club”.
Executive functioning
Neurodiverse children may struggle with executive functioning – the ability to start tasks and follow through. We can encourage independence by breaking tasks into smaller chunks and asking questions rather than issuing prompts.
For example, instead of nagging a child to pack their bag, ask, “Does your bag have everything you need?” This encourages the child to think, which improves executive functioning.
