The power of connection in parenthood with Zoe Duce

As new parents, it can sometimes feel like life has become a balancing act between looking after little ones and finding time for yourself. But what if you could reignite your social life and strengthen your relationships, without the guilt or worry?

Becoming a parent changes everything, especially our relationships. Why do you think so many mums (and dads) feel disconnected from their partners and friends after having kids?

Zoe: When I speak to mums with pre-school children, they say that their partner or their friends knew a different version of them. And of course motherhood changes you, but there are two things that I try to help them understand…

Firstly, that everyone is changing all the time. Your friends without kids—do you think they really want to be going out all the time still? Nope, they just thought you did, so use this period in your life as a bit of a crossroads to rethink how you socialise with friends.

And when it comes to your partner—the good news is they've changed too, and if you talk about it, you can change alongside each other. Chances are, they don't really want to do everything you used to do pre-kids either.

If you lean into the changes with your friends and partner, you’ll actually grow a lot closer. They can support you, and you can
support them.

Think of all the other big changes and events in your life where you’ve gotten closer to people because of it—starting a new school or university, a new job, travelling, moving cities. Becoming a parent is another huge change, so see it as a chance to take relationships to the next level.
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Guilt seems to be a huge factor for parents when it comes to taking time for themselves. Why do you think “mum guilt” is so common, and how can parents move past it?

Zoe: I think it’s so common because there is so much around us telling us, consciously and subconsciously, all the things a “good mum” should be. So when we mix that in with our own feelings of self-worth (which might not be the strongest at this delicate time in our lives), it can really make us feel less than.

The real reason why mums in particular feel so much guilt varies from person to person, but with my clients, I have identified four main root causes. I think it’s so important to understand your own root cause because then you can start to question it and put some self-talk and work in to overcome it. The four main root causes I’ve identified are:

A sense of “fulfilling your duties”—this is especially common with mums on maternity leave or not earning as much as their partner. It’s the belief that in order to take some time for themselves, they must first finish all the chores, housework, meals, family admin, childcare, etc.

Then there’s the belief that you are the only one who can take care of your child, so you feel guilty leaving them with anyone else while you do something to fill your own cup. Programming is another common reason for mum guilt, tied to what mums did or didn’t grow up with themselves.

And then finally, what other people think of you, which we all believe we’re above, but realistically, those messages of the “perfect mum” seep into our minds—often without us even realising—through social media, mainstream media, and even conversations with other mums.

I’ve found it really powerful when a mum recognises what is triggering her guilt because then she can start to take the steps to overcome it.

For parents who are juggling sleepless nights, work, and household duties, finding time to socialise might feel impossible. What small, realistic steps can parents take to start socialising again, even when they’re short on time?

Zoe: I totally understand the lack of time (and energy) to socialise, but the ironic thing is that social connection actually gives you more energy, so you’re more resilient and fuelled to deal with the challenges thrown at you throughout the week.

That being said, I know time is tight, so here are my three biggest tips to enable you to squeeze social connection into your everyday…

Invite a friend or your partner to something you’re already doing—commuting, exercising, coffee runs, getting your nails done, even nipping to the shops. I do this all the time, and it makes such a difference to add an in-person chat on a day that I didn’t even have anything special planned.

Replace just 20% of fake fun activities with social connection. The average person spends 17 hours a week on social media, and 28 hours a week watching TV. I’m not saying to cut that out completely—we all need downtime—but if we replaced even 20% of that time catching up with a friend (even if it’s just a phone call), we’d have 9 hours available. Often, social media time creeps up on us because it’s just a few minutes here and there, so one of my favourite hacks is to limit it during the day and get at least 30 minutes back, which you can use on yourself, finishing a task, or, I hope—social connection.
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Many parents feel anxious about leaving their kids with someone else to go out, even if it’s just for a couple of hours. What advice do you have for building trust with childcare providers and feeling comfortable stepping away?

Zoe: I have A LOT of tips around this and it’s where the majority of my work is happening right now so be sure to check out my Instagram page for tips and free resources but I would say that once you’ve found a babysitter then these are the steps that will make you feel more secure…

Trialling your babysitter; after introducing your child and the babysitter do something in a different part of the house to see how they get on. You can also run a quick, local errand. Then If all goes well and you want to hire them…

Prepare everything you can for a smooth time away (their food / milk, clothes, activities – take all the guess work out) and leave good instructions for the babysitter. Don’t worry about over-explaining or seeming high maintenance, this will set the foundation for how you want the babysitter to do things moving forward so it’s really important.

Set a communication plan with the babysitter. Tell them when you want to be sent a message and how. I personally suggest 1 message after they’ve settled in together, 1 message after they’ve slept / eaten and 1 final message to say they’re fine (and then a message if there’s anything concerning). You can adjust this as time goes on but that’s enough to keep you comfortable and informed but not encroach on your time away. Once you build up trust with your babysitter you can reduce this down.

For new parents who are reading this and feeling overwhelmed, what’s the first thing you’d suggest they do to start taking control of their time and bringing more joy back into their relationships?

Zoe: Start small—see how you can weave 10, 20, or 30 minutes of connection via a phone call, a short walk, or a cup of tea, and then notice how you feel after. You can utilise your child’s naps or quiet time in the beginning.

Share some of the frustrating or challenging parts of your day and try to see the funny side with a friend or your partner.

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Finally, what’s one thing parents can do right now to prioritise their well-being and relationships while still enjoying time with their families?

Zoe: Understand that having strong relationships in the first few years of motherhood isn’t a luxury but a necessity. Not only will it make your whole life happier, healthier, and brighter, but it will really improve your experience of parenting too. And it is possible—it takes a little work, but I’m living proof that you can have amazing relationships all around you, a vibrant social life, and be super close with your child or children.